People become aggressive and violent for a variety of reasons. One is to save face, either to themselves or to others. It is sometimes possible to talk someone away from violent actions but the route you take may not leave the person room to save face, which leaves them feeling compelled to continue justifying their behavior(s), which in turn can cause them to start to become emotional and aggressive again. Finding a way to let a person preserve their dignity, and give them a face saving way out is an important part of conflict resolution. To not do this, means that you are effectively still posturing in a situation that you want to end and remove yourself from – and that’s not going to happen if the person you’re dealing with isn’t given an exit strategy that preserves their dignity and self-image. Nobody wants to feel that they’ve lost, as they then may see their only alternative to this as becoming violent.

The reason I’m writing this blog piece is because today I was presented with a potential situation/scenario that raised a lot of questions regarding egos, emotions and face-saving. It concerned a potential date/acquaintance rape situation, where a girl whose been dating the Captain of the Football Team or similar, ends up in a situation where he becomes sexually excited and isn’t listening to and/or accepting that she isn’t interested – it hasn’t yet turned to physical coercion but that’s the dangerous next step. If it does then it is a potential sexual assault or rape and there are no two ways about it however we’re considering a situation where the balance could tip either way and there is still an opportunity to prevent an assault from happening. I don’t wish to consider the moral questions here but to look at what can practically be done to avoid a worst case scenario.

The first thing that must happen is for the emotion in the situation to be addressed, you can never negotiate or reason with a highly emotional person, especially one who feels entitled to act in such a way. In this situation the entitlement may come from the fact that the guy has been on a string of dates, has “put in his time”, and feels that he deserves some physical reward etc. This is his reality and the one on which his belief system is based. Trying to argue that a couple of dates doesn’t automatically result in or lead to sex, may be a difficult argument to make and win against someone who thinks this way, especially when they are emotional and aroused.

If you attempt to avoid the issue and not confront it, there is a danger that the person will become frustrated and assault you anyway, so you need to address the situation in a way that causes the person to start thinking and having to reason (when we use our reasoning brain we become less emotional) and also gives a person an opportunity to save face. Ask him if he likes or minds having sex with women who are having their period - although this wouldn\'t be a deterrent to the most committed sexual predator, it is a tactic that has been used successfully in the past. It’s a good way to dampen emotion, as well as giving him a face saving way out. You can also state that you don’t like it and that it wouldn’t be a good experience for either of you; making him appear as the good guy in the situation. Sometimes you have to give up being \"right\" and not make the case that a person is wrong to behave and act in a certain way so as to be effective (put your ego aside and let your aggressor\'s stay intact). Don’t promise anything in the future i.e. to sleep with them in a few days etc; merely state that great as the evening was all you can think about now, beyond the cramps, is to get a goodnight’s sleep. The bigger issue concerning his issues of ego and entitlement etc can be dealt with in the morning in a safer environment. 

When I worked door, I was always sure to allow people to leave because they wanted to, not because I wanted them out. If a person has a face saving opportunity that they can use to justify to themselves and others they are often likely to take it. For those occasions when they are committed to their cause, regardless of the alternatives presented to them there is Krav Maga.